Politics, Religion and How the Baby is Sleeping?

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Maybe Just Maybe he Will Fall Asleep to Frozen

 

I am not sure why this is the go to question of most moms upon meeting a mom of a new baby, but I have found no matter where I am I cannot avoid the inevitable “How does he/she sleep?” I suppose talking about the weather gets old and so some moms use it as small talk. While many may use it as an opener to discuss how little Jack sleeps 15 hours straight at night and have you heard of {insert some method here}. Some use it to label the parent “Is this mom one who googles everything related to children with the words Dr. Sears.” For example, Toddler Tanturms Dr Sears, Potty Training Dr Sears, Making Sure You Kid Doesn’t Suck Dr. Sears. You get the idea. Or maybe this mom, is a Tiger Mom who discusses how great various playground apparatuses are for different core muscles that you never knew existed or needed strengthen at the age of 2. Perhaps this a schedule mom who considers calling Child Services every time she sees a mom in Target after 8 PM with an infant in tow. Whatever the reason (small talk, judgement, curiosity, advice-giving, advice-seeking) moms love to ask how the new baby is sleeping and so I have decided to plan my response to each “type” below.

1. Small Talk Mom: No, Nola doesn’t sleep through the night. Have you seen the latest copy of US Weekly? Can you believe Tori and Dean?

2. Advice Giving Mom With Child Who Sleeps 15 Hours: Oh, yes. Sleeps like a baby. Have you seen Frozen?

3. Dark Circled Mom with Messy Hair and Coffee on Her Shirt: Nope. Nola doesn’t. Oh and that 2 year old over there riding his scooter down the slide, he doesn’t either. Hasn’t sleep through the night once in his life. His 2nd birthday was last week. And this lady here. She tricked me and slept through the night for a good week or so and now she wakes up a few times a night. The other night I saw every hour between the two of them. I have a pot of coffee and a few Red Bulls in the car, want one while you share your war story? {Yes, I know I am breastfeeding and so I skip the Red Bulls}

4. Advice Giving Mom who Loves Myiam Bialik: Nope. Both don’t sleep through the night. Yes, we cosleep and yup I wear her all damn day, and as you can see from the fact that I am publicly displaying my boobs (nervously) I breastfeed, but I doubt you really want to be my friend because my kid is vaccinated, eats things with GMOS, gluten and other cancer causing ingredients more than I’d like and sometimes I put him in disposable diapers because I am too lazy to wash the cloth diapers. Oh and even though I did have VBAC with this lady right here, I don’t really dig home births. Not knocking you or your homebirthing, crunchy lifestyle. I would love to be friends and chat, but I don’t think I meet all the criteria to join your AP group and so I will run and stop my kid from attempting to ride his scooter across the low monkey bars before this gets awkward.

5. Grandmoms: No, not sleeping through the night. Oh a little whiskey will do the trick? What brand did your kids prefer? I gave Nola some Jack Daniels, but she really was in to A.H Hirsch Reserve bourbon and that was getting a little pricey. Maybe I will just drink the whiskey and wait it out until this sleeping business passes because I think sleeping with kids waking you up is way better than sleeping to prison guards waking you up.

6. Dr. Sears: Thanks for the encouragement Dr. Sears and Martha. While it is nice to hear that most kids outgrow this whole sleeping with their parents, waking up bit before they are in middle school – I believe I have some evidence to the contrary. I also was wondering if you could post a picture of Martha because I want to know how much Botax I am going to need after I am done with this whole not sleeping business. Thanks. I will be sure to continue to google you with all my searches.

7. Anyone I Offended with this Post: Sorry. I love all moms. Well, not the ones who don’t tell their kids to share the trains at the Children Museums. And the ones who put their kids on the roof, high and drive off. I don’t love you. But the rest of you I do. I just am tired of having to talk about my kids sleep or lack there of  with strangers and then be bombarded with looks, books and labels. Maybe next time you see a cute (or maybe not so cute) baby and a tired, looking new mom – just tell the mom the baby is really cute. And then ask about her birth story. People love to tell their birth story these days.

Sleeping on the Go

Sleeping on the Go

 

 

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